the ache of one heart

i don't have much to say lately.
i don't know how to say it.
[hence the reason there are so many videos on my blog lately]
as i see more of God,
i see more and more that all my talk is just hot air.
the more i see Him, the more i see how less i am
and how much i don't know.

"...for me to live is Christ and to die is gain..."
to live is Christ.
He needs to be what i'm living for.
i waste huge amounts of time on things that are not as important
and end up not giving Him my best part of the day
or not much time at all.
why? am i afraid?
maybe.

but i think mostly, it's because i need to see Jesus more.
if we truly saw God,
how would our lives change?
how would our priorities and perceptions change?

i don't want my life to be a pursuit of so many other temporary useless things
that it got crowded and stole away time and space that was meant
for just me and God.
i can still do stuff and function normally in society,
but it's those sweet places where i can be alone with Him.
i don't want to live some huge extravagant amazing life,
it doesn't matter if i never see my dreams fulfilled
or do anything spectacular...
i just want to see Jesus.
everyday i want to see Jesus.
if i get to the end of my life and don't have Him to show for it,
if i stand before Him and don't really recognise Him, let alone Know Him...
then i have nothing.

my heart feels like it will burst, i have so much i want to say about this
but how can?

it's time to just worship and adore and abide in Jesus.
john 15:5
and get intimate with Him.
i feel like there is too much noise.
too much noise in me drowning out God when i need to hear Him the most.

so much noise! my heart is screaming for silence.
for the sweet whisper of His words.
but my heart is too too loud clanging like a tuneless cymbal.
there have been a few times lately where God has spoken loud enough to be heard
over the roar of my stormy heart
for a moment long enough for me to hear His words.
and it's always the same:
Abide in Me. Wait on Me. Wait for Me. Rest in Me.

and the more i get to know Him, the more i see how far from Him i am.
He wants to be known by me, He's making Himself that vulnerable
and i'm still keeping Him at arm's length in so many ways.
i know He's all i have and what i need more than anything else,
but i think my heart still doesn't trust God

i'm really bored with my quiet times with Him.
i find it hard to concentrate on Him alot of the time lately.
i'm bored with it because i feel like there ought to be more.
it ought to go deeper.
but instead of running to Him,
i'm staying put and pushing Him to the bottom of my priority list.

but it's starting to make me feel crazy.
i feel sort of empty because i'm not choosing to go nearer to Him.
tonight i was really challenged in this.

intimacy with God is about Him, not about me.
i want Him. I want Jesus, i want to see Him, i want to Know Him.
i feel so ruined for anything less than all of Jesus and yet
i feel so unworthy to be near Him.

maybe that's it.
maybe that's why i am shying away and feel this wall.
because i don't feel worthy to be near Him.

this verse was given to me during a time of prophetic ministry,
years and years ago... this is part of it
the person prophesying said that this is how God feels when He looks at me.
You have ravished my heart,
My sister, my spouse;
You have ravished my heart
With one look of your eyes,
With one link of your necklace
[song of songs 4:9 NLT]

but all i could think was.. how?
how can i be worth that much to someone?
especially the Creator of the universe?
how could He care that much that i move His heart so?
and for so long, all i could feel, was shame for who i am and what i am.
talk about condemnation.
and yet i still feel that sometimes when i feel God calling me deeper.
it's not, 'i've done something wrong...'
it's..'i am something wrong'

but...
God loves me that much that He came to die for me.
He fought for my heart.
He wants so much for me to know Him.
far out.
to think that He could be overwhelmed by me in a way.
feels almost sacrilegious to say something like that.
but perhaps to think that God isn't that crazy about us,
is a horrid lie that keeps us from getting close to the heart of God.

intimacy.

i want to see Jesus.
to be with Him.
to know Who He is.
that's all i really want.